Jen's Notepad

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. You'll find one someday. Stop looking, and he'll come. Sick of hearing those lines? You bet! So much so, I'm willing to remain hopeful that God isn't holding back on me, and he will give in and let me find the right guy sooner or later. Hopefully sooner! I wish the whole dating thing was simpler. I don't want it as easy as arranged marriages though. I would like some say in the matter. I just wish guys had to be like they were back in the old days. Bring on the chivalry, and the balls... I mean – nerve that they would have no problem walking up to you and asking you out. What'd I say about girls breaking through the glass ceiling... and being their own independent selves... forget that for a moment. :P I think this is a guy territory thing. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match... make him a good one.... *cough* …. Um, right. I was saying how I wish I had the courage to be able to ask a guy out myself right? Like the cute guy that is a mechanic at the Ford dealer that I deal with. Or the many other cute guys that I oogle over and wish I could make my own. Half the time I'll admit that I don't even know what I want. Or I do, and once I think I find it, I nit pick and over think things and end up leaving the poor bastard like an abandoned fish that the novelty has worn off. Well... what I mean is, I dwell on the negatives... the annoying things that I just cant stand. Granted, I do know everyone is not perfect. Yes, I'm sure I have my own faults. I'm sure I do – just not sure what they would be... ;) What I'm trying to say is, I'm tired of being alone. Well not really – I do like my independence and my own space. But I would like some company. Someone to share some stuff with. Some – because I don't like sharing everything. Some – cause I'm willing to compromise and perhaps fully share something. I'll be 27 soon. I should be thinking of settling down soon, right? I should have already found someone. Should be wearing a sparkling diamond solitaire... I want a square princess cut – gold diamond ring. But don't follow the tradition of spending 3 pay cheques on it though. Your other 2 pay cheques could go towards our new home... right? Cant I just find a cute, funny, sweet, intelligent, employed, family oriented guy with his own vehicle (theres no way I'm playing chauffeur all the time) and his own place? Do they exist? Other wise, I think I'm f-ed. :P

Part 3: “The Light Bulb Clicked – whether it was on or off that is to be determined...”

I wrote about the light bulb clicking on before, but I don't recall what it was in regards to. I don't think it was about this, so its okay... I can continue. You know how in life when you reminisce about some of your old flames, your old boyfriends/girlfriends, or just people that you crushed over... you can get caught up in a few emotions: A) Hatred – thinking of that person only makes you mad B) Disgust – thinking of that person makes you disgusted with either them, or yourself for going out with them C) Sadness – you're not quite over that relationship or D)Happiness – Glad you're not involved with him/her anymore. My light bulb moment clicked when I realized someone I liked did something that made me not like them as much anymore (actually its been more then that, but that was an epitome moment). One of those, oh my god - I'm so freaking glad I didn't ruin everything by doing all that I could have done with you. Oh yes, the once dark opaque ocean waters are crystal clear now. No, the frosted glass light bulb is crystal clear (bahhahahaha). You'll always remain a part of me, you'll always have that one little part of my heart....but I see you for who you are now. I'm over you now, and this time I say it for real. I guess that means I wont be calling out your name anymore when I'm with that other guy. Kidding! :P

I had thought I had finished this entry, but that is not the case. After finishing Part 4, I shut off my laptop and thought I would find sleep. That was not the case. I was probably just as restless as I was before, so out came the laptop again. I felt a need to add to this entry. It sounded too simple. Clean cut; cookie cutter precise. Thats not the case though. This part of my life has never been so uncomplicated, so easy. Ive liked this someone for a long time. Longer then anyone outside of family obviously. They can spark such emotion and feeling from my being its really hard to explain other then that. Over time, when I get upset or annoyed I vow that I'll lose all this interest in this person and move on. I say it, but it never happens. This time though I feel it – I think I can stick to it. Actually, not I think... I will. Its time to move on. Because really, hooking up with this person again would only make me happy for a little while. I think our differences afterwards would drive us insane. We're more like Jacob and Bella, not Edward and Bella (Hows that for a subtle Twilight fan reference? :P). Destined to be friends for ever, because I cant imagine him not in my life at all. Its like Rose and Jack in Titanic. That final scene where shes on that floating piece of drywall and hes in the water. After he's gone.. she lets go of his frozen hand; ready to be saved. Similar yes. Very similar. This is becoming a cheesy entry, and I'm losing focus. Time to end it. Fin.

Part One: “Bob”

One of my first thoughts was this. It was about my step dad. His birthday just past on November 14^th. It felt really odd. Time is going by so quickly, and I cant believe come April it will be 3 years. Its upsetting to think that now I'm forgetting how his laugh used to sound. How I can visualize running my finger tips over the top of his hand and arm after he had passed, and I cant remember how his skin felt. I thank god I have a photographic memory sometimes, and can still imagine the sparkle in his eyes. Familiar scents will bring back memories of him too. A lot of the time I'm torn. I want to go out to the cemetery to visit him more. But then I remember how he used to tell me not to become one of those types. He used to say he may be there in one form, but really hes not there. He's apart of me – who I am in my heart and soul. In another he's always in my memories. He's in my photos, so I can remember him. Hes up in heaven, fishing. Or maybe hes watching Nascar. He'll have our dogs that have passed around him too. Theres a rye and coke no doubt on the table in front of him. With those crunchy Cheeto cheesies too. I couldn't count the number of times where I have done something, experienced something, or witnessed something that I wished he was still around so I could share that. Recently, I was alone in my apartment and it just felt like someone was in it with me. I hope if any spirits or whatever were around, I hope it was him. I want to speak to a psychic and have them reassure me that hes okay. That he is doing all the things I picture him doing. I want to know what he thinks of who Ive become since hes been gone. Is he proud, or disappointed. Does he want me to change something? He was apart of my life for over 17 years. Call me selfish, but I don't think that was enough time. I want more time with him. He was supposed to be on one of my arms to walk me down the aisle. My dad on the other arm. I wanted him to hold my first child. Now, none of that will ever happen. Instead, everyone will have to settle for the recounts of my memories of when I can tell them about one of the greatest men that ever lived. Someone that meant the world to me, showed me a lot of things in life, and gave me just as much. I miss you 'Bob'. I love you, and miss you a lot.